I'd do all of this for you

Almost a year since I last wrote. I think loneliness is inspirational when it comes to these things. And I haven't had much of that.

Relationships are so consuming. You put so much energy, so much trust, so much of yourself into a boy. And you lose so much of your own depth. I guess you just get out of your own head and it feels good -- you share and you learn and you connect and you discover. You care and you are cared for. But at some point you reach the other person's wall and they reach yours, and the two of you hold hands and hang out between these two walls where everything is safe and calm. The calmness of it all is unnerving. It's so suspiciously shallow. I've been itching to get back behind my wall. Where the girl is running so fast and her head is exploding and she is always yearning. That's the girl who writes these neurotic rambling thoughts by the way.

But most of all, I want to get behind his wall. To prove to him, and to myself, that there is a place for me there. I want to climb into every one of his wounds and let them bleed and hear him scream while I do the cleansing. When I was first discovering him, my emotions would make me shake. Beautiful boy. There was so much affection, I thought I would smother him with it. But he's not letting me dig any deeper. His composure is trampling on my passion.

I don't know how to release it. Sometimes I sting him just to see the raw bite. Sometimes I withdraw myself away just to feel his magnetism draw me back.




(Bad) translation